When I was about to become a mom for the first time, I spent a lot of time researching parenting philosophies. Most of the moms I know did the same thing, though I know a few who wouldn’t dream of using the word “parenting” to describe their relationship with their children. In fact, the existence of parenting philosophies is a very recent development in human thought. Throughout most of history, average people were too busy putting food on the table to worry much about philosophy. The poorer among us still are.
The bickering between the different schools of thought can be both amusing and frustrating, especially for a new parent who is just trying to figure out how these little people work. I do not understand how it is that two completely different mothers, living different lives, with different children, different gods, and different goals, each expect the other to conform to their own rigid standards of child-rearing.
We all want to do what’s best for our children, but without realizing it, many mothers who stumble on a Philosophy (with a capital P) begin to behave as though there were a moral component to what they feed their children, where they sleep, and whether they let babies cry for any amount of time before comforting them. Parents, especially women, seem to want to make religions of their own preferences. The problem with that is that once you’ve built a religion out of parenting rules, you kinda start to think everyone who does things differently is going to hell.
It’s good to have some idea of where you want to take your family, and what you want your children to believe about the world. There are important questions to be answered, and parenting philosophies can make things run a little more smoothly as long as they suit your own personalities and lifestyles. There is, of course, a duty for every parent to give their children food, a place to sleep, an adequate education, and love, but none of these things are done the same way in every family. So far, I probably haven’t said anything all that controversial, right?
I started considering my own “philosophy” (it’s not really a philosophy, exactly) while my first child was in the womb. Now that I’m on my fourth pregnancy, there’s not much research left to do. I know about every religion philosophy from attachment parenting to Ezzo. Some people are WAY too rigid, and I mean on both sides of that huge divide.
I’ve made adjustments to my parenting style with each new child, and I’ve considered so many methods of caring for and disciplining my children that I’ve gotten sick of the subject at times. After dozens of adjustments, missteps, and embarrassing mistakes, I think I’m finally well-qualified to say: It doesn’t matter. Let me repeat that, since it’s such a shocking statement in this age of group-think and “scientific” studies. It doesn’t matter.
Does it matter if you spank your kids or not? Well, yes.
Does it matter if you let your baby cry it out? Yes.
Does it matter if you breast or bottle feed? Yes.
But you said it doesn’t matter! Yes. Confused yet?
Don’t be. None of the answers to these questions is going to be the same for every family, or even for every child within one family.
I’ve discovered, to my chagrin, that my children are going to be flawed no matter what I do. I can’t make them perfect, and I can’t make their childhoods perfect. I can’t even make one day perfect. No formula will work. No set of rules will help. What matters is that I find, within the guidelines of my faith, what will work to create in each child the best outcome.
How does this work out in real life? I’d be happy to let you know! I’m working on a series of common sense parenting guidelines that I think tend to get lost in the cult-like atmosphere that has grown up around this strange new practice of “parenting”. Hang in there for the next post. I may take a week or two, but I’m coming back on this one!
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